As I have been getting deeper into my meditation practice I have had some realizations. Realizations that I believe doctors, friends, and family have been trying to help me understand for a long time.
Let me start with something my loving amazing father said to me after I was having a rough time, “Tara, you tend to put on an act that nothing can bother you, that you don’t feel, I think you believe it too… Really though, you feel so deeply, and so much. So you find ways to numb…”
That struck me, I try my best to be genuine and real, and with many I am, but with myself, no, facing and feeling is hard. Memories, pain positions I have put myself in, things I have seen, done, experienced, and a brain that challenges my ability to handle feelings and emotions.
There is a lot about me I have to accept, I love people I care about the world, I AM AN EMPATH.
I want people to be happy I want to be a light and source of joy in people’s lives, my friends, strangers, everyone. I understand pain, so deeply and desire to allow others to feel it and be encouraged when they are struggling.
The memories of travel, the things I see on the news, the hospitalizations I ended up in, the care I tried to refuse, the events out of my control, and those I had control over. I feel them all. I feel nature, I love it, and I can be reduced to tears at the sight of people trashing each other, and our planet. I can be reduced to tears because of my mistakes. For all that I judge myself.
Many people in my life accept me where I am at, and where I was at, for that I am eternally grateful.
I have been blessed with Drs. that care, that want the best for me and want to see me not only be function but to excel. I used to feel selfish thinking I had any potential at all. I don’t think that anymore, I learned that I need to harvest my strengths, ideas, and compassion. Great things can happen and do happen to me, and through me for others. I’m learning to accept compliments, listen to advice, and accept what people notice, whether good or bad about me. I am human.
A human with human emotions, human mistakes, and human love, for all things. Something came up the other day, I compromised my morals, and agreed to compromise them further. You know what though? I took action. I saw the path I was heading down again and took the steps to help myself and get help out of it. I was honest with friends, and doctors, and even my dad, who I respect so much and want so desperately to please. The thing with love is, it’s unconditional, those who love me and care for me want to know the real me, good and bad. These loving people meet me where I’m at and recognize how far I have come, they support me. Judgement free. That’s not to say worry free. I felt sad that I had a slip, a backslide, but I did not allow it to be a total regression.
Instead I accepted it for what it was, HUMAN.
We live in a fallen world. We all go through ups and downs, and the downs often offer insight and the ups help us realize how incredible we are, and how much we can accomplish. Allowing feelings to come and go, and refusing to self medicate is difficult, especially for me. That is why I am grateful for my God given strength.
I realized I believe, I believe there is a God, I believe it. I never thought I could own that or fully trust. However, in so many ways I see His provision in my life. A life I didn’t want to sustain. He has opened doors for me, and used events to actually open up space to be there for friends when they needed it most. He has provided and amazing support network, and people that are genuine and I can trust, and love equally. Here is an example:
Yesterday I broke, I had one of the worst days I have had in a while, mentally, and got into a big pickle and was ashamed, scared, overwhelmed and angry with myself. I was off work today, I had time to reflect. I needed that and God provided it. He put the people in place for me to get help and be safe yesterday, and check in today. I had coffee and Lunch with my Dad and one of our favorite cafes, and after he left I saw a favorite customer of mine, (I work at Starbucks) He is an elderly man, knows nothing of my struggles, but sees greatness in me, he was running early, and joined me for coffee. We enjoyed a half hour of good conversation. How random, how encouraging, how beautiful. My best friend is coming over after she is off work today, I was granted a day of comfort, support, and time to relax. Thank you, Lord. He helped me stand my ground today and turn things around. He gave me the courage to show my feelings and ask for help. I did, and how wonderful this is. We all have setbacks and they don’t have to dominate us. We all have feelings that we don’t need to label, we all have experiences, we all are a work in progress. Being honest with ourselves, following our morals, self-care, and care for others and the environment, I believe are some of the best things that can be done for everyone.
I suppose this post is a reflection for myself, and a letter of sorts to anyone reading, to remind you to keep pushing forward, and have grace and compassion on yourself and others.
Let your heart be filled with love, and open your eyes to the beauty surrounding you, trust me it’s there.
Even my dog, we call him my therapy dog, he isn’t registered but having him has helped me more than I can say, connection helps me, and responsibilities and structure are, at least for me extremely helpful. I’ve grown as a person and I first realized this when I got a concussion (three actually) that used up my savings and took me out of work for 7 weeks. That was money I wanted to travel with. Maybe now just isn’t the time for that, I said and BELIEVED. I am in a whole new season in my life and am motivated to keep staying motivated even when I want to give up.
Norman my Dog, and Bear, his snake friend!