I promise to do my best for you, I promise I will falter, and know how scared I am. I am scared for your safety, I am scared for your delicate hearts being hardened. Know, my un-promised children how dear you are to me. Know that I may at times try to shelter you, remind me when I do. You deserve to know and experience the world. It has many harsh realities, my job is to protect you from them, but never to shelter. As you have questions, that become deeper as you age, I will be here to offer advice, no judgement, just love. As you ponder many things I am here to listen, and to love. I do not and never will know everything. Know how excited I am to learn from you as well. I will share my story with you little by little as your heart and mind are ready to hear it, this I hope will also allow you to see, no human is perfect, and I, as your mother am here for you, no matter what the conditions. I never want to hurt you and when I do, please my child, hold me accountable, extend me Grace, and if you can’t just yet, know that I am deeply sorry, and my love for you will continue to abound.
Know the desire for you has only grown, I have met and watched over many children, I have wanted to adopt, and felt I have abandoned one little boy in Uganda. The timing was not right, I learned then I needed to surrender his safety to God. Recognizing my own limitations.
If you are biological, know that every day I have struggled. Your mother that loves you so dearly was hurt, and allowed herself to be hurt. Know I have spent days in self pity and confusion. I am terrified of passing my genes onto you, Those experiences, and fears, I promise to not put on you. I will not treat you as if you are me, for you are your own being. I respect that. You better believe that adopted or biological when struggles arise, and believe me, in this fallen world they will. I will be there. I will love you, try to understand, and be your earthly rock.
I want you, my beautiful babies to experience the world, I want to be apart of expierencing it with you, though I know I will need to surrender my protective nature and allow and encourage your own experiences, because those are what create insight and help you to develope your own passion.
Already, even without knowing I respect the path you will take, and the decisons you make. College, careers, whatever it may be, I support you, and respect and embrace your individuality. May I introduce you to many religions, many ways of life, may I share my thoughts and beliefs with you. My parents aloud me to,find for myself what beliefs I hold in my tormented, beautiful mind. For you I will do the same.
Together we can learn a lot about many people places and things, and I hope to be there to open your eyes to possibilities, but never force them upon you. I pray that the parental decsions I WILL have to make will be the ones best for you, and if they are not I pray that together we can find a better solution, or path. My child, please never hesitate to share your day-to-day stories with me, never hesitate to come to me. Vulnerability is scary, I have learned, and I have valued. Let yourself be vulnerable to me, so that as you grow up you may learn to be vulerable to others, allowing them to share their stories as well.
I do not know if I know your father yet, and I do not know the role he will play in our lives, though I pray for a loving father and husband, no matter what, you have me, and I have support. Reality is hard, and experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. I do not know the joys and struggles you will face, I know up to date mine, but I promise you, dear one, I will never pretend to understand fully what you are going through. Trust me if on nothing else I already love you, and when the time comes, if it does I want to understand you, and will be your biggest fan and will always believe in your potential.
I write this letter to you, with Love and acceptance that you may never be granted to me. Though I deeply pray you will, and am excitedly terrified for the journey that lies before us all.