Changes from 2012-2013

       No, right now I am not at a party, right now I am curled up in bed with a glass of wine after and evening out with some friends just chilling and enjoying each other’s company.  I’ll be in bed before mid-night and at work for 6AM. The best part though, I chose myself tonight, I chose to get the rest I need, and decline all the party offers I had, I chose self respect. 
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       I look at this year and have no desire to publicly display all that went on, horror, and pathetic failures, one after another, and the harsh realities of facing past traumas, and by some not being believed, and grieving that. I wonder, “What happened?” What should I have done differently?  Why did I choose all the wrong paths. WHY!? But you know what as harsh as this year has been I have learned a lot, though implementing these lessons has proven more than difficult. I know the changes that need to happen. I need to respect my body on so many levels, my mind, educate myself, empower and become aware of society and all of it’s needs, I need to find a way to earn money and make a difference, and slowly but surely gain a voice that will change and empower lives. Best part? I have a plan.
I wont be in school until summer. So I have time to figure some things out.
     I want to begin a non profit, what for I am having so much trouble deciding so this year is going to be about figuring that out, and this blog is going to help me do so. I will be posting about different issues and things that hit close to home for me and I feel need attention brought to them, fundraisers will be done and the full profit will be given to specific organizations.

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     I will be volunteering at the ASPCA, HOSPICE, and Crossroads. Despite how I feel I have a lot, and I have a lot to give, and it’s time to start giving back again. I need to do so in a way that will allow me to also take care of myself. I need to balance helping others and helping myself. It’s odd to me my two main ways of suffocating my emotions are giving to others, and abusing myself. Be it with alcohol, drugs, poor eating/not eating when I need, and consistently giving my body away to others. That all needs to change. I need to realize when I need time for me, and when emotionally I have that time to give to others, and both needs and desires are ok, and GOOD! 
     I am going off my medications, I know this is a risk but seriously after almost 6 years of therapy and 4 years on all sorts of meds Im done. Poison in Poison out. Medication is not something I want for myself, and neither is self medicating. Therapy is helpful for me, maybe I will up the amount I go. Increase the yoga and meditation I do, and up that cardio I crave. I have already significantly lowered my caffeine intake, and am vegan once again, this time, the right way. 
      This past week even has been a wake up call. I have watched my life fall to pieces, for the first time in my life I am in debt, the reason? Well plain and simple, a lack of self worth and lots of drugs, prescribed and not. I’m sick of looking into different job opportunities and volunteer positions and having my only set back be, “do they drug test?” This year I am going to start down a path of positive change and making my voice heard, bettering this planet, and honoring God every step of the way. Everyday is a new beginning, EVERY DAY. So throughout the year when I mess up and stumble or fall flat on my face, it’s OK, because the next day I can get up and try again. That is what grace is all about, no? Forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to be forgiven, and extending that forgiveness and understanding to everyone. 
     Set up for myself I have a list of things I want to learn more about, different diseases, different lifestyles, animals, books to be read, holistic healing methods ect. It’s time I grow up take responsibility and become aware of the fallen world around me and the day to day differences that through the grace of God I can make. If I haven’t hit rock bottom yet, I sure as heck hope I never do.

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As I have said time and time again, life is a journey. I don’t know where it is taking me, and I don’t need to know. What I need to do is stay strong in my faith and prayer and let what is meant to happen, happen. 

           PEACE

C’est La Vie


Life is a struggle and for me this year has been far from an exception. The past few months to put it nicely have been hell, but things seem to be looking up. Too bad I’m awesome at making poor choices for myself. I’m still having fun with my friends and all partying, bowling, hanging out, and enjoying the simple things:


I have made countless mistakes in my life and I have learned from them, but sometimes I wonder what it will take for me to REALLY learn. I also want answers; why did things happen to me, why did I choose to do certain things, and most importantly what snapped this year to make it go so frickin’ down hill? I’m trying to trust in the Lord, but in all honesty I know I’m not really honoring him with my actions, and for that I feel even more guilty. I want death to be explained to me in all of its complexities and I want to know where and why I feel the way I do about it. One of my patients passed away this week and another elderly lady I used to provide respite care for passed away, and it was then that I broke down and finally started grieving the loss of my Grandfather, who passed over 7 years ago. On the upside I moved apartments! I will post pictures after the holiday. 

PEACE

Embrace your sorrow, breath into it, forgive yourself, be compassionate, serve others. By recognizing your great sorrows and living openly with them, they will not take over your life.


“May you be free from suffering, and may you be at peace.”
I just read the book Unattended Sorrow, doctor’s orders. It had some good points but honestly went on forever repeating itself. The person reviewed the book on amazon and in one paragraph summed up EXACTLY what the book was saying, only the author used 225 pages, and a lot of reiterating the same point. Maybe for some struggling people, this book could really help. It has a very Buddhist outlook which is great, but I get more comfort in trusting the Lord and reading his word.

PEACE

RED, WITH A LONGING FOR GREEN

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Burning with rage, she sat there like fire to cold dry wood. Yearning for freedom, for peace. She sat there longing to walk among the trees, surrounded by the green grass. The fire grew stronger as the logs piled on. Trapped in a dark cell, in a cold haze of emotions. “FREEDOM!” she screamed, “FREEDOM!” To truly feel alive she needed to be surrounded by green, in a tranquil state, no longer numb but at peace with herself and her world. As one log turned to ash she felt slight hope, the green was visible, though the fire still needed to die. She needed those logs to turn to dust. Slowly she blew the ashes away. Though the fire still burned strong, she held onto that hope for one day that Red would be Green. 

Its been a long couple weeks and I’m scared to move forward and exhausted on so many levels. I hope you all are doing better than I am. Happy weekend!

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Smile, It Can Change a Person’s Day

There is so much beauty in a smile, in a person who is willing to be vulnerable and put themselves out there and do their best to encourage others. So This week I want to encourage all of you to make a conscious effort to smile, and talk to someone you don’t know, get to know them. Maybe even get to know the story of someone you struggle to get along with. Often times when I get frustrated with people (mainly customers) it’s because I don’t know there story or the hurt they are experiencing or have experienced. Here are some smiley phones of me from this past week:

Just have fun! 

we both are on the shorter smaller side and thought it would be fun to dress up in Alladen pants and be a two headed Aladeness if you will ;)

Me and Sophia, she is like the little sister I always wanted! :)

Me and Rui, a dog my brother was watching for a weekend!!!

we cracked ourselves up wearing child’s duck slippers. Our laughter and ability to laugh at ourselves gave many onlookers a nice little chuckle ;)

Keep on smiling, loves! I met the coolest guy at Starbucks last night with Jasmine, he’s an author who loves to travel around America, and you know what? The conversation all started with a simple smile and a “Hey how are you?” 

PEACE

Lets Focus On Right Now

“…Set us free from a past that we cannot change; open us to a future in which we can be changed…”

Right now I am sitting at a table with a child I babysit for, he is doing his schoolwork, I’m helping him as needed. Right now its chilly and grey outside, and I’m sipping my hot coffee. Right now I have a strong dissatisfaction with myself, my life, and my lack of any real direction in my future. Right now all I want to do is run. I want to run until I reach outward perfection. I want to be numb. Right now I am human, and a helpless one at that. I’m 20 and I want to make a difference that will inspire, and better the lives of people for thousands of years to come. Right now I’m hurting. Memories are haunting me, I’m disappointed in myself and angry at my past. Right now one of the chickens is laying an egg, and Sam went to collect it. Right now somewhere a child is being born, while another is being abused. Right now people are eating healthy full meals while others are starving. Right now there is so much pain spread around the world, right now there is so much joy , and so much love. Right now we live in a fallen world filled with sin, however, because of grace we are not trapped or controlled by it. Right now I feel down, but I’m choosing happiness, Im choosing to be in the present and only in the Present. Right now I’m surrendering my insecurities, and going on with my day. Right now I am recognizing God has complete control over my future. I know am loved by many no matter my size, how I look, and even my sin. Right now I thank God for Grace, I thank God for a new day, and a new start. I can’t change my past but I WILL learn from it, and allow myself to be transformed, so that my future is brighter. Right now I choose to let myself be changed as the days go by, I choose to be aware of my surroundings, and decisions, I choose to do my very best to honor God. I choose to live, and choose to look forward to what the future has to offer instead of dreading the “what ifs”  Right now I ask YOU to join me on the venture. 

Here are the chickens and some of the eggs they have laid. Then there is the family dog, Goose, snuggled up and ready for a nap :)

 

PEACE

The Man In the Arena

Thought I would share this quote I recently read, I find it very true, and very inspirational:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

-Theodore Roosevelt

PEACE