No, right now I am not at a party, right now I am curled up in bed with a glass of wine after and evening out with some friends just chilling and enjoying each other’s company. I’ll be in bed before mid-night and at work for 6AM. The best part though, I chose myself tonight, I chose to get the rest I need, and decline all the party offers I had, I chose self respect.
I look at this year and have no desire to publicly display all that went on, horror, and pathetic failures, one after another, and the harsh realities of facing past traumas, and by some not being believed, and grieving that. I wonder, “What happened?” What should I have done differently? Why did I choose all the wrong paths. WHY!? But you know what as harsh as this year has been I have learned a lot, though implementing these lessons has proven more than difficult. I know the changes that need to happen. I need to respect my body on so many levels, my mind, educate myself, empower and become aware of society and all of it’s needs, I need to find a way to earn money and make a difference, and slowly but surely gain a voice that will change and empower lives. Best part? I have a plan.
I wont be in school until summer. So I have time to figure some things out.
I want to begin a non profit, what for I am having so much trouble deciding so this year is going to be about figuring that out, and this blog is going to help me do so. I will be posting about different issues and things that hit close to home for me and I feel need attention brought to them, fundraisers will be done and the full profit will be given to specific organizations.
I will be volunteering at the ASPCA, HOSPICE, and Crossroads. Despite how I feel I have a lot, and I have a lot to give, and it’s time to start giving back again. I need to do so in a way that will allow me to also take care of myself. I need to balance helping others and helping myself. It’s odd to me my two main ways of suffocating my emotions are giving to others, and abusing myself. Be it with alcohol, drugs, poor eating/not eating when I need, and consistently giving my body away to others. That all needs to change. I need to realize when I need time for me, and when emotionally I have that time to give to others, and both needs and desires are ok, and GOOD!
I am going off my medications, I know this is a risk but seriously after almost 6 years of therapy and 4 years on all sorts of meds Im done. Poison in Poison out. Medication is not something I want for myself, and neither is self medicating. Therapy is helpful for me, maybe I will up the amount I go. Increase the yoga and meditation I do, and up that cardio I crave. I have already significantly lowered my caffeine intake, and am vegan once again, this time, the right way.
This past week even has been a wake up call. I have watched my life fall to pieces, for the first time in my life I am in debt, the reason? Well plain and simple, a lack of self worth and lots of drugs, prescribed and not. I’m sick of looking into different job opportunities and volunteer positions and having my only set back be, “do they drug test?” This year I am going to start down a path of positive change and making my voice heard, bettering this planet, and honoring God every step of the way. Everyday is a new beginning, EVERY DAY. So throughout the year when I mess up and stumble or fall flat on my face, it’s OK, because the next day I can get up and try again. That is what grace is all about, no? Forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to be forgiven, and extending that forgiveness and understanding to everyone.
Set up for myself I have a list of things I want to learn more about, different diseases, different lifestyles, animals, books to be read, holistic healing methods ect. It’s time I grow up take responsibility and become aware of the fallen world around me and the day to day differences that through the grace of God I can make. If I haven’t hit rock bottom yet, I sure as heck hope I never do.
As I have said time and time again, life is a journey. I don’t know where it is taking me, and I don’t need to know. What I need to do is stay strong in my faith and prayer and let what is meant to happen, happen.