I love this song it makes me think that maybe, one day things will change. Maybe just maybe I’m not beyond help. That doesn’t seem to be a popular opinion these days though… Oh well.
Life is a struggle and for me this year has been far from an exception. The past few months to put it nicely have been hell, but things seem to be looking up. Too bad I’m awesome at making poor choices for myself. I’m still having fun with my friends and all partying, bowling, hanging out, and enjoying the simple things:
I have made countless mistakes in my life and I have learned from them, but sometimes I wonder what it will take for me to REALLY learn. I also want answers; why did things happen to me, why did I choose to do certain things, and most importantly what snapped this year to make it go so frickin’ down hill? I’m trying to trust in the Lord, but in all honesty I know I’m not really honoring him with my actions, and for that I feel even more guilty. I want death to be explained to me in all of its complexities and I want to know where and why I feel the way I do about it. One of my patients passed away this week and another elderly lady I used to provide respite care for passed away, and it was then that I broke down and finally started grieving the loss of my Grandfather, who passed over 7 years ago. On the upside I moved apartments! I will post pictures after the holiday.
Embrace your sorrow, breath into it, forgive yourself, be compassionate, serve others. By recognizing your great sorrows and living openly with them, they will not take over your life.
I just read the book Unattended Sorrow, doctor’s orders. It had some good points but honestly went on forever repeating itself. The person reviewed the book on amazon and in one paragraph summed up EXACTLY what the book was saying, only the author used 225 pages, and a lot of reiterating the same point. Maybe for some struggling people, this book could really help. It has a very Buddhist outlook which is great, but I get more comfort in trusting the Lord and reading his word.
Burning with rage, she sat there like fire to cold dry wood. Yearning for freedom, for peace. She sat there longing to walk among the trees, surrounded by the green grass. The fire grew stronger as the logs piled on. Trapped in a dark cell, in a cold haze of emotions. “FREEDOM!” she screamed, “FREEDOM!” To truly feel alive she needed to be surrounded by green, in a tranquil state, no longer numb but at peace with herself and her world. As one log turned to ash she felt slight hope, the green was visible, though the fire still needed to die. She needed those logs to turn to dust. Slowly she blew the ashes away. Though the fire still burned strong, she held onto that hope for one day that Red would be Green.
Its been a long couple weeks and I’m scared to move forward and exhausted on so many levels. I hope you all are doing better than I am. Happy weekend!
There is so much beauty in a smile, in a person who is willing to be vulnerable and put themselves out there and do their best to encourage others. So This week I want to encourage all of you to make a conscious effort to smile, and talk to someone you don’t know, get to know them. Maybe even get to know the story of someone you struggle to get along with. Often times when I get frustrated with people (mainly customers) it’s because I don’t know there story or the hurt they are experiencing or have experienced. Here are some smiley phones of me from this past week:
Keep on smiling, loves! I met the coolest guy at Starbucks last night with Jasmine, he’s an author who loves to travel around America, and you know what? The conversation all started with a simple smile and a “Hey how are you?”
“…Set us free from a past that we cannot change; open us to a future in which we can be changed…”
Right now I am sitting at a table with a child I babysit for, he is doing his schoolwork, I’m helping him as needed. Right now its chilly and grey outside, and I’m sipping my hot coffee. Right now I have a strong dissatisfaction with myself, my life, and my lack of any real direction in my future. Right now all I want to do is run. I want to run until I reach outward perfection. I want to be numb. Right now I am human, and a helpless one at that. I’m 20 and I want to make a difference that will inspire, and better the lives of people for thousands of years to come. Right now I’m hurting. Memories are haunting me, I’m disappointed in myself and angry at my past. Right now one of the chickens is laying an egg, and Sam went to collect it. Right now somewhere a child is being born, while another is being abused. Right now people are eating healthy full meals while others are starving. Right now there is so much pain spread around the world, right now there is so much joy , and so much love. Right now we live in a fallen world filled with sin, however, because of grace we are not trapped or controlled by it. Right now I feel down, but I’m choosing happiness, Im choosing to be in the present and only in the Present. Right now I’m surrendering my insecurities, and going on with my day. Right now I am recognizing God has complete control over my future. I know am loved by many no matter my size, how I look, and even my sin. Right now I thank God for Grace, I thank God for a new day, and a new start. I can’t change my past but I WILL learn from it, and allow myself to be transformed, so that my future is brighter. Right now I choose to let myself be changed as the days go by, I choose to be aware of my surroundings, and decisions, I choose to do my very best to honor God. I choose to live, and choose to look forward to what the future has to offer instead of dreading the “what ifs” Right now I ask YOU to join me on the venture.
Here are the chickens and some of the eggs they have laid. Then there is the family dog, Goose, snuggled up and ready for a nap